Saturday, October 13, 2007
a walk in the woods
i'm blogging too much, because life's been kind of hard lately. not hard like, oh man... i really need to kick this heroin so i can get my kid back and try to shake this chlamydia. not hard like that.
more like, wanting more in life means giving up more in life. it's a weird paradox.
i don't know if i can settle for not having a big career. i chase after this PhD like it's my destiny. is it? i can't devote the time it needs. not because i don't love it and enjoy it, but because my little one needs a mom, and i need to have more in my life. i can't exclusively be any one thing... not just a mother, not just a scientist. i have to have both, you know? so will i ever make it?
add into this mix the fact that my husband has also decided to attack a giant mountain. they guy is working at 4 things at any one time. college teacher, student, independent architect, and family man. he's at his max for time. every time we're in a pinch for money (every month), i tell him... 'me and the little one are fine. you go work, and be strong, and we'll be fine in the end with our bills PAID'. the toll for this is enormous though. the 3 of us need each other, and not just in small scheduled, rushed, half-assed doses. i know we gotta get there to be there, but it's not like in those inspiring movies of hard-working people becoming somebodies. most of the time you're tired, and you wonder, is this right?
i'm not going to change a thing. i know that in order for us to survive both my husband and myself have to be working. not just financially, because i grew up in a home where BOTH of my parents were workers and intellects, and that fed my soul in a way i can't explain. i gotta give THAT to my little one just as much as a PB&J sandwich.